blog entries

december

[ dec. 17 ] 3:28 pm

time has been moving way too fast lately. every week is like a tiny blip in time. i've been wanting to learn mindfulness, like actually really try to engage in it, and i think maybe that'll help. i hope that'll help and this isn't just how life is now that i'm almost 30. bleh. i'm just so directionless and i always have been. it's how to figure out how to find a direction for yourself to go instead of remaining stagnant like you're used to, like you're comfortable with. comfort doesn't automatically mean safety.

winter has really been sapping my lifeforce. the sun hardly ever comes out anymore and it's so cold. i feel discouraged from every angle, honestly. i feel trapped in my own poor habits. they're so hard to peel off of my brain, though. it's like undoing yourself at your very core and then rebuilding in fragments. it's hard to understand sometimes. feels like my twenties has only been me peeling back layers of my unexplored psyche and realizing how truly fucked i am. but i can get unfucked, right? everyone can.

i'm just exhausted today, in the way you wake up with it, and every movement you make throughout the day is clumsy and barely embodied. i wish there was a simple fix to right myself again but it's all work and it's all... so much. i literally feel like i'm sitting with my head against a brick wall waiting for my life to happen.

[ dec. 3, 2024 ] 5:10 pm

it's so bitterly cold here already... it always happens so suddenly but it really feels like this time a switch abruptly flipped. not much accomplished so far this week, but i did tackle cleaning the shower and the washer. this little apartment gathers dust so consistently and cleaning it up makes me wanna yarf, you know, lol. anyway... i played the games in the emily is away series and i'm still feeling the residual nostalgic angst it created within me. really good simulation pieces of what it used to be like on facebook and aim. i only wish the endings were less... punishing? lol. they all make it feel as if i've just left a real life fight with someone. just once i would like for emily to be nice to me in the end, is that too much for me to ask? i really don't think so !!

i've also been trying to draw again and do art stuff more often. i keep digging myself into a hole and never doing anything because nothing seems worth doing. it's a defeatist mindset that's hard for me to quit. it feels like a lifelong habit at this point that i have to consciously unlearn. i'm updating the site here too and really trying to fill it out well. like i've said before juggling all the pages and their individual codes is sooo much for my tiny adhd brain that sometimes i just push it away entirely and don't bother. but then i miss it !!! having a website is so fulfilling and odd and fun. i really just need to get over it.

a couple more things i want to do today on here but i really don't wanna spend too long on the computer. i've been playing a lot of wow classic recently and can feel the strain in my eyeballs, lol. i do want to get a review of my rewatch of diabolique up on my movie page, and i have a little cd-listening-review i did for a prong cd and left in my notes to forget. stuff like that.

as for life, i don't know. i need to apply to jobs but the looming stress of christmas feels like i can pause. ah. my head is just a headache. that's all

november

[ nov. 26, 2024 ] 3:02 pm

they still have pumpkin at starbucks... i thought it was gone but it's still here. i got a chai... and a spark of hope? lmfao no but damn like always it feels like fall slipped thru my fingers!!!! so annoying living here sometimes. and i'm trying to pick up the pieces still of everything carelessly lost... and it's so cold outside. feels like brick wall after brick wall. i'm really down on myself lately and overall discouraged. proving myself to prove myself to do what exactly? it's like i never actually pinned down an objective to work toward and yet i'm rabid for this nameless goal. it makes everything i do in the present feel entirely pointless and it's such a backwards way of thinking, but so difficult to reverse. i went out, felt annoyed all day... maybe i should turn this into a self care day or something. i can do better for myself, and i will, yada yada. whatevs. happy thxgiving week <3

[ nov. 15, 2024 ] 11:04 am

not much happening, unbelievable that we're halfway through november already. here's my halloween costume. blood sweat tears etc went into this. i sliced my finger good to get this thing together in time for the big day. i regret not getting any pictures of myself from the party but that's ok lol.

october

[ oct. 21, 2024 ] 12:43 pm

i have some overwhelming knowing-feeling lately that i've moved myself to the background of my own life. i think i was taught to care too much about the things around me, to be critical of myself and others. to always be on and angry. some sort of coping that i don't need to use anymore. i'm finally getting back on my feet after sitting hunched in the dark for far too long. i feel like i'm been hibernating, you know, darkly and lazily but still conserving some sort of small ball of energy anyway. trying to getting it out now. i've been making a lot of stamps and applying for custodial jobs. it would be nice to have small shifts of cleaning. i'm doing my best to update all the pages of the site today, i've neglected it too long. it's just that it's all so unbalanced for me, it's hard for me to juggle all the code pages vs the actual pages. maybe unbalanced isn't the right word but i don't care to change it. my brain feels small lol

september

[ sept. 26, 2024 ] 5:03 pm

ok i swear to god i'm not kidding when i say that the time of the last entry and the time of this one are both exactly 5:03 pm lol. kinda of crazy. or maybe i'm just an evening blogger. anyway..

i spent a lot of yesterday and today suffering (period) but i managed to carve a couple block printing stamps !! i'm really proud with how they turned out, i got a little kit at michael's that came with two chisels and a sheet of rubber. of course my first tries were a bug and gir. here they are:

^ drag and drop! ^

i'm gonna have to go pick up some more rubber soon, or just grab some erasers from the dollar store. it's a really addicting craft lol and i've always loved how they turned out. i also !! after seeing a reel, made a 'sketchbook' out of paper bags! i just glued the flaps shut and then glued them all together, it's a really good multi-purpose book to create in. the stamps look really good on my target pages~ i'll upload some pics of the book later cuz i'm really proud of how that turned out too. it feels crazy cool to make art material out of garbage, you know?

unrelated, i feel like i'm sort of finally exiting my swamp rat phase. i cut my mullet off and got it pretty blunt right under my ears. feels weird but also at this point my hair is so shapeless and malleable i don't care what happens with it. i haven't dyed it in a few months and there's a lot of natural growth coming in, i forgot how dark my hair is naturally. it's gonna be cool to see it grow out.

[ sept. 10, 2024 ] 5:03 pm

can someone tell me how it's four days away from my birthday already? i'm excited for fall but i'm also feeling a little weird about turning 29, lol. at least i got my new site layout in order before the weekend! really stoked on it all so far, but i still need to do some work on a couple specific pages. the theme just sort of came out of nowhere. i have a reverence for the movie the ring and wanted to practice my graphic design, do a sort of collage thing and relearn some GIMP. it just sort of struck me out of nowhere, and i've really been feeling the color teal lately.. anyway

a couple days ago i found a struggling dragonfly on the sidewalk, a really big one. i took it inside with me and brought it onto my porch to stay safe from birds & the wind. someone on reddit told me that she was a green darner dragonfly, common in the midwest. apparently they're so big that researchers are able to strap trackers onto them to track their paths. i believe it, the one i found was very large. i was staring at her most of the day. unfortunately she blew out of my hands after a few hours of hanging out on my porch and i couldn't find her in the bushes outside my apartment :'( it's ok though, i'm glad i got to have some time with her. here are some pics:

^ drag and drop! ^

my birthday is this saturday. i'm seeing last podcast on the left with my sister !! it should be a lot of fun but travelling into the city always makes me nervous. and i haven't really hung out with my sister for quite a while. we have a big age difference so that's just how it's always been, yknow. but we're very similiar so i think it'll be a real good time ;u;